Loving Ash
by TrashAY fanfiction
Summary: Alternate Ending. No Good End.


Loving Ash

Ash had followed him to Japan. He was so happy. Happy his friend was leaving behind his past and willing to start new and fresh. Ash had lived with him a year now; with his mother, and grandmother, and sister. His dad had passed away from liver disease before he left for America. When he returned, he wanted to go to university, but without the pole vaulting scholarship he decided it was best to get a job at the plant his mother worked at.

His family accepted Ash, but were hesitant about him. Like Eiji, they could feel he was damaged, but unlike Eiji this was something they casually feared. His mother feared Ash would take him away from them again, knowing he alone was the reason Eiji chose to stay in America for so long.

Ash was getting better, he honestly was. In the night he screamed less, he stopped being openly hostile when people touched him. He was still jumpy and carried a knife, but these were things he was working on. The danger he felt had no basis. His paranoia was just paranoia. Eiji knew that to Ash, it was embarrassing admitting these feelings, despite the fact that these actions were what kept him alive for so long. He knew Ash felt strange being here; He was in a foreign land, where he could barely communicate with most people.

Ash was learning Japanese, and could somewhat understand spoken and written language, but his speaking skills were still sub-par. Aside from Eiji, his sister only knew some English. He didn't count the handful of words his mother knew; 'welcome home', 'hello', 'goodnight', 'American'.

His grandmother referred to Ash, not derogatorily as the 'American'. "American," she would point at Ash and then point at what she wanted him to do. Ash spent most of his time with Obachan due to always being home. Eiji felt they had grown quite fond of each other, despite both being frustrated quite often at communication issues.

The lack of people to talk to made Ash's world very small. It was, but wasn't, similar to how Eiji had been in America. He could barely speak the language, but he had Ibe at first, soon Ash, and then members of Ash's gang for company. Also he was sociable, chatting up the stay-at-home women of the building. Here he was never in the right place at the right time to have Ash be part of the group, and Ash saw no benefit to start a relationship with anyone. Ash was too used to building relationships for personal gain.

Eiji tried to bring Ash along to outings, but without knowing Japanese it was difficult for Ash to interact. Ash hated looking like a fool, so most of the time he stayed silent. Eiji stopped seeing his friends, when he wasn't working, he stayed home with him. It's not like Eiji had many friends left anyways, life had drifted them apart; His injury, his depression, his time in America…. It was he, who only had Ash, not the other way around. Ash knew how to surround himself with people, at least back in America. Eiji envied that.

…

His mother noticed his isolation, but in that detached way mother's did. Coming home from work one day he was met with, "Why don't you go out and see your friends? It's important to maintain a social life,"

It was a long day. He wanted to shout that he had no friends, so what was the point.

"You can take your American out with your friends," She was preparing dinner. It was usually Obachan and now Ash's job, but it was something she did when she was stressed. She found the creation of cooking relaxing.

"He doesn't like going, mom," Eiji bent over looking in the fridge for a drink.

"Why are you so obsessed with him? You can leave him alone. Him and grandma play shogi now."

"They played shogi for a month, mom. And Ash always beats her now," Once Ash could remember the symbols for the pieces, his playing skills improved immensely. "He just loses to keep her interested,"

Ash had been living there about nine months at this point.

"He can find something else to do," his mother chided.

"He needs me," Eiji wasn't pleading. He didn't know why he was still standing in the doorway of the kitchen, drink in hand, arguing with his mother over a man who belonged in his life.

"He lived most of his life without you, he will be fine,"

"He wasn't fine for most of his life,"

"It's not your job to make him better." She stirred the pot more vigorously, "You are hurting yourself by helping him. You put yourself in danger to help him! You were shot! Twice! Do you have any idea how worried I was when I heard that? How angry I am that that happened to you?"

He was tempted to leave then. Ash was in the other room, but it's unlikely he understood the muffled conversation coming through the walls. He needed the last word.

He didn't remember what he said, but something about how Ash was redeemable, and if he didn't help him, who the hell would? He didn't say anything about how he needed Ash just as much. He needed that spark in his life to keep him going, otherwise the strain of losing his father, his opportunities, his friends…. It would all come back.

He sat on the couch next to Ash. He didn't know if Ash understood the conversation through the wall, but he definitely heard the tone. His eyes asked 'was that about me'?

Eiji chose to tease him about "Who's reading 'Shounen Sunday' now?"

He didn't think his mother cared if Ash had heard or not, that frustrated him.

They both went to see Ibe the next day.

There. Friendship. Social.

…

Ash was surprisingly bad at video games and Eiji found it amusing. He felt triumph that there was something the blonde didn't excel in. He had taken Ash to the local arcade and had received higher scores on every game except pinball. Ash told him it's because nobody betted on video games, but he bet he could smoke Eiji in pool. Eiji found the blonde's frustration amusing. Ash kept trying to win. By the time their money ran out, Ash had won a handful of times. …Eiji wasn't going to tell him he threw a couple of the matches.

Most days were boring. Ash seemed at loss of what to do with this peace. Eiji hoped he would get used to it.

"…..A wild animal needs the wild," His sister told him, "I don't think he knows how to be tame,"

Eiji was disgusted, "He isn't an animal!"

She sighed, looking at Ash doing yardwork with his grandmother, "I don't think he knows that,"

It was true, the green eyes didn't sparkle like they used to. When he first arrived in Japan they were all light and hope, not exactly thinking of the future, but relief to finally be OUT. But now, there was no challenge, not excitement, not adrenaline rush of life or death. No struggle to survive, just surviving…. And dealing with the scars of the past. He knew Ash as frustrated about having difficulty adjusting to 'normal' life; Ash had never had a normal life.

Eiji was still happy to have his friend with him though. Happy to see the blonde waiting for him when he got home. He knew it was selfish. He knew he was treating the blonde like a pet, but he sacrificed time with others to spend with Ash. This boy was the reason he put himself in danger in America. He desperately wanted to help this young man.….and this attraction wouldn't leave.

And Ash liked him too. He was the only one Ash would open up to, the only one Ash would let help him, despite many people wanting to. Ash relaxed with his gentle nature.

He had never liked his own empathy until it led him to Ash. Before Ash, his empathy made him weak. Now it had a use. He needed to help, and then this magnificent creature would spend time with him. Validate him.

He couldn't jump anymore. He couldn't follow his dreams. He needed to support his mother. He needed to be the man of the house. Anyone could do those jobs, but Ash wanted only him.

He knew he was the only one Ash trusted. The only one who Ash felt didn't have an ulterior motive for helping him; the only one who didn't want sex. The only one Ash allowed to have a human connection with him. The gang were subordinates. Somehow he was seen as different. Even different than Shorter, who was an equal and a friend. Sometimes he felt Ash looked up to him, even idolized him because he had a what Ash saw as a good life. Because the world hadn't touched him, and even after America he had found a way to 'maintain his innocence'. He felt a lot of weight from Ash looking up to him.

It was a normal life. A normal life wasn't necessarily good. At least that's what he thought before meeting Ash.

He loved the other boy. He knew Ash loved him too.

He enjoyed the intimacy they had. They showered together. They slept in the same bed often; it was easier to control Ash's nightmares and Ash had stopped lashing out in his sleep.

He was _in_ love with this boy and he didn't know what to do about it. He had never had these kinds of feelings before; at least not with this much intensity. He wanted to hold the other and not let go. He wanted his warmth against him…. It was…. Not lust. He had felt that, but he wouldn't mind if their relationship got to that level. He didn't mind the _idea_ of lust with Ash, but it was by no means an improvement on what they had. There was no improvement to this.

Still, this love. This longing. This feeling of needing the other.

Maybe he was unhappy with himself that he was willing to try this…..

He leaned in for a kiss. Something, anything to take their relationship to the next level. He needed Ash to know. He just needed Ash to know how he felt. Ash was at his desk studying his Japanese book.

He was foolish to think this could say more than that letter; The love letter that got Ash here.

The other froze but accepted the chastise kiss. Soft chapped lips on his own… A few seconds at most. 2.5 seconds… just like when he jumped. This was like jumping again. In the sky. When Eiji pulled away, green eyes were wide with shock. Hesitantly he touched his lips, fingers no longer callused from holding a gun.

Eiji knew he had made a mistake. Panic, he saw panic in the other's eyes. How Ash froze the first time _it_ happened.

Ash kept staring, fingers to his mouth, but he controlled the fear, he didn't make a point of the discomfort. He went back to his reading. Embarrassed, Eiji left. He didn't know what he expected.

They slept in separate beds that night. Ash didn't have nightmares though. Eiji glanced at the space between their futons; One meter at most. He didn't want to _do_ anything, getting closer to the other. He just wanted….. to be with him? Whatever that meant.

Ash avoided him that week, working with Obaachan, not saying hello when Eiji came home. Ash started leaving the house more, not coming back at unreasonable times, but leaving unannounced. His mother saw these as good things, "Signs of independence,".

They stopped showering together.

This had only been going on a month, but it felt much longer. Eiji's heart hurt. This had not been his intention. He didn't mean to hurt the other.

They went out to the park together on his day off, at the end of the day. The beginning of the day was swimming, and movies, and ice cream, and smiling…. It would have been a date if it had been anyone else. It would have been normal, before the kiss.

It was evening now. The park was empty.

They sat on the swings like a pair of big kids. Eiji was nearly twenty two. He needed to start thinking about the future. They both did. They rocked back and forth, listening to the chains creak, dragging their toes in the sand. They couldn't stay like this. They needed to be moving forward, life was moving forward.

"I'm not gay," Ash broke the silence. The mop of Ash's blonde hair was covering his eyes. Eiji had convinced him not to cut it despite the other's adamant want to buzz it all off when they first came to Japan and people were touching and pointing at it.

Eiji nodded. He knew this was coming. He avoided the other's face, if Ash was looking at him, he didn't want to see it.

He didn't know if Ash was trying to look at him as he choked out the next words, "I just don't know how to have a relationship with a woman, you know?"

Ash was distressed, his voice was shaking, "All my life I've been treated like a woman, and I hated it. …..I didn't ever think you'd think of me that way too,"

Eiji's heart fell. He wanted to argue that he didn't, but he's sure Ash had heard the same story from others. Others who had abused him. There was no reason to think Eiji was different…. Why did he think it would be different?

"I love you. I don't want sex," Is what he settled on, he looked at his knees. His skinny, knobby knees, that used to own athletic muscular legs, which now stood on a hard concrete floor for hours operating machines.

Ash grunted, it could have been trying to cover up a sob, "I….I do like you, but… I don't know what I feel."

"You are still hurt,"

"No shit!" Ash all but spat at him, clutching the chains. Green eyes flared and Eiji flinched. He couldn't help but be drawn to that energy, that gaze, that was his downfall…. He was afraid. Not afraid of Ash, he could never be afraid of Ash, but afraid of what he'd done.

"All my life I've been used by people and the one time I find someone who I don't think wants anything from me, you go and do that!" Ash was shaking, borderline hyperventilating. The chains were rattling.

His stomach churned, he couldn't believe he did this.

"You should find a nice girl, and I'll find some tramp and we'll go our separate ways,"

Eiji wanted to beg, tell him it didn't need to be that way; that he would be heartbroken if Ash left. That he loved the other for his soul. He had already told him these things. He hoped Ash could tell what was real and what was fake.

"I- I want a girlfriend, Eiji! I want to be normal! I'm not like that!"

Eiji wanted to tell him that was okay. Wanting a girlfriend was okay, but please, please stay in his life.

"I- I'm straight," Ash voice was panicky.

"It is okay to want these things," Eiji didn't know what to tell him, how to calm him down. For the first time since knowing Ash, he didn't know how to calm the other down. This scared him too. Was he really that detached from the other? They were separate people, but he had grown to think of them as complimentary….

He had never loved anyone like he loved Ash. He didn't want to tell Ash he was straight, he'd never thought about it. He thought about how lucky he was to have never needed to think about it.

"I-" Ash choked. He was crying, red-faced. Eiji wanted to reach over and wipe away the tears, but remained seated on the swing. "I- I think I love you." Ash's voice was hoarse, broken, "But- but I just can't…. I can't…."

He breathed, trying to compose himself. He struggled at the effort, "I want you in my life, but I don't think I can…. I'm not meant for this,"

His blonde hair was sticking to his tear stained cheeks, darkened from the moisture, "Thank you. Thank you for putting your faith in me. Thank you for bringing me down from that mountain, but I belong there,"

His nose was running. He wasn't pretty when he cried,

Eiji wanted to hug him.

"Ai-…Aishiteru yo. Sayonara," Eiji hated that he taught him those words. Hearing it in his native language hurt. Ash had _tried_ to be with him. Ash had tried to live a normal life, and Eiji had screwed it up. The chains clinked as Ash rose from his swing.

He wanted to grab Ash's coat, pull him back and hold him; like they always did. He wanted to grab him, in his arms, and they could sink into the sand holding each other, crying to make it all better.

Crying wouldn't make it better, he knew that. Ash knew that better than anyone.

But he couldn't help the tears. These feelings….. Ash was crying too.

Ash left without a trace. Eiji would almost wonder if he had even been real at all. Such an ethereal…. Beast? Creature? Human. He was a very hurt human, and Eiji had failed him, just like everyone else. But he had gotten closer than anyone else. These memories. These feelings. He would be chasing them the rest of his life.

Grandmother asked where Ash went. She actually used his name. "American? Where's the American?" she asked, then finally after a few days, "Asshu" she said. It was the first time Eiji had heard it from her lips. His sister teased about a 'breakup'. His mother looked relieved, yet he thought she understood that where Ash went, Eiji's soul followed. She had lost her own husband after all… She was not prepared to have her son so distant.

Ash was hard to love. He lashed out, he pushed others away. He felt lucky Ash had read him as naive and good for a time, and humored him enough to stay around for a while after.

They were so different. They were from different countries, with different backgrounds, different life experiences and interests. If they had went to school together, they probably would have never made friends.

He felt honored to have met him; to have him in his life for as long as time allowed. He would be chasing this feeling forever. Whatever the outcome, Ash had his soul. He would have these feelings forever.

Whatever love meant.

…

And now after that cryfest, I want to write an AU about Ash and Eiji's cameo as schoolboys in Lover's Kiss. But alas, time.

Loving Ash

Eiji centric

I have not read Fly Boy in the Sky. Somebody please translate it into English.

Everyone thought they were so different, and they were to an extent.

They were so different. They were from different countries, with different backgrounds, and different interests. If they had went to school together, they probably would have never made friends.

But he related to the other on an emotional level. Eiji wasn't the cheerful optimistic boy the others saw, at least he wasn't before meeting Ash.

He was nervous and struggled with classes, he was more athletic than anything. The injury took away his one chance at college, at a future. He related to Ash having his future taken from him. He related to Ash feeling his worth was only tied to one thing.

Ash was hard to love. He lashed out, he pushed others away. He felt lucky Ash read him as naive and good, and humored him,


End file.
